I’m so uncomfortable when I’m the only one awake, I feel alone in a way I often do not. The solitude and quiet remind me of nights and days I’d rather not relive. So often I’d sit alone in my room reading a book or playing some bullshit 90s CD on repeat, letting myself feel and think about things that now would break me.
I think I’ve built up a wall between the current me and the former me, they don’t like to associate with one another. But I’m not supposed to run away anymore from the thoughts in my own head, regardless of how irrational they are.
I’m supposed to face them and let myself feel, even if what I’m feeling is scary.
Right now, I just feel empty. I don’t know what it is or exactly how it’s triggered, I don’t typically feel this way when I’m alone in my house, just when I’m alone in the sense that I’m the only one not sleeping. It’s like a peace has come to everyone else here that won’t come to me. I don’t know. I guess I don’t allow myself to be alone very often because of this feeling I feel. This feeling I can’t translate into legitimate thought, it’s just like a brick on my chest and a crack underneath it.
I’m happy, for the most part, I am happy. I have a thousand and one things for which to be grateful, but I can’t shake this feeling, and I can’t trace it either. Is it the cliche of a childhood I can’t leave behind? That I don’t know what it’s like to really love myself (who does?) ?
Apprehension. If I had to give it a name, I’d call it apprehension. About the future, about the unknown. That’s what scares me the most. You think you’ve got it all under control, you’re standing on your own two feet with the past behind you and the present planted firmly beneath you, but then there’s the future in front of you. The future, that could be filled with so much bliss and beauty, but gauging it against the past it makes you want to ask what else, but also gauging it against the past it makes you terrified to ask what else. You recall the demons and tragedy that have landed on your doorstep before, and if it’s any indication of what will exist there in the future then you want nothing more than to sleep forever and ignore any future guests or life events.
I know I shouldn’t be scared of living because the sadness and bittersweet irony of it all are supposed to make you stronger and la dee dah dee dah, but what if you never signed up to be superwoman? How long do you have to fight to remain in control of everything and at what point do you become okay with the terrifying idea that you are really in control of nothing? I’ve never been in control of much, so I don’t know why this is a new idea for me.
I guess I’m scared that the second I shrug and say it can’t happen to me then it will. Insert any scenario to which “It wouldn’t happen to me” would be a response and that’s what I’m scared of.
Such an unstable foundation I have. How sad is it that from the very moment things started to look up I’ve been considering scenarios that would cause them to crash?
This is why I don’t like interacting with my thoughts.
